go gently, an excerpt

I’ve been working on this for a little bit now. It’s a response to something I read recently. Something new I thought I’d try.

She got news today that she’s been anticipating. She doesn’t know how she knew. She’s felt it. She didn’t want it, but there she is. And she understands. But she’d like for him to know how this is for her. So she’ll tell him.

Someone has a connection to someone else and no one even needs to say anything to know it’s there. There is a charge, an awareness of something intangible. She can’t even look in his eyes, it’s too transparent, too obvious. She feels like she knows what he’s thinking even when she doesn’t. She feels like he knows what she’s thinking, even when he doesn’t.

They’re so very similar yet so very different. She knows his depth. It’s her favorite thing about him. He’ll go there with her. No one goes there with her. But they lock horns. She is annoying, difficult, has rough edges. She’s loud, brash. He is softer, on the surface, even though she knows there’s more inside him. She wants to see it, but he doesn’t let anyone. He’s controlled, she’s wild. They’re two sides of the same coin. She thinks he appreciates it, even though he doesn’t want to. He’s almost there with her. Almost.

But the worst part of all of this, what scares her the most, is that it might all be in her head.

She feels… something, all the things. But he doesn’t really give her anything, does he? It’s only a reflection of what she’s giving him, which is barely anything, even though she wants to give him everything. She can’t do or say what she actually wants to, for so many reasons. She feels like she’s constantly craving connection and only gets it on his terms.

She’s been almost everything except easy with him. She pushes against him and then tries to pull him back in. She’s been jealous, insincere, standoffish, mean. And all of it because she’s frustrated that she can’t really be how she wants to be towards him. She’s frustrated when he disappears, just like that. She’s frustrated when he avoids her. She’s frustrated when she doesn’t hear from him for months. She’s frustrated when he talks about other people. She’s frustrated when he’s with someone. It’s selfish in so many ways, but it’s true.

For years she’s kept this inside as much as possible. Not willing to step outside the boundary. She doesn’t want to lose him. But now, he will go, and does she have anything to lose anymore? Not really.

So this is for him.

She think you’re pretty perfect.
Your mind is fascinating.
The conversations you have are everything. Even when you’re mad at each other.
There’s so much in you that she doesn’t know but she wants to and she likes that.
You’re willing to push back on her.
You hold a mirror up to her and it makes her want to improve what she sees.
She’s come to rely on you, to frustrate her, to encourage her, to see herself as something new.
She can’t imagine her life without you in it.

Is this all a surprise?

Countless times she’s thought about telling you but didn’t. She knows it’s not the same for you. Does that hurt her? Yes. Does she think that’s stupid? Also, yes. I mean, look at where she is. But she needs you to know, so that you can go and she can let go. She’s been carrying this around for so long and she just wants to set it down for a while.

She doesn’t expect anything from you right now. She just needs you to know.